Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Helen Keller Jokes

Why don‘t sharks eat niggers?
They think it‘s whale shit.

Source: Racist Jokes

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A map!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.“

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda.“

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?“

“Yes,“ said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.“

“My God,“ said Joe, “I‘d better have two scotch and sodas. I don‘t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.“

“That‘s another thing,“ said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cockpit.“

Source: Women Jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What‘s wrong with you?“ she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?“ he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.“

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember. So?“

“I would have gotten out today.“

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller
demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps
being paged by “Lucille.“

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don‘t never leave no number, so I can‘t call her back,“ he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn‘t leave a number.

“She leaves her name,“ was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

“How does she spell her name?“ the service rep asked.

“L-O-W C-E-L-L“

Another technical problem solved.

Source: Phone Jokes

What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A big phone-y!

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don‘t send any Jews. Please, no Jews,“

The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma‘am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.“

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But... But... There must be some mistake,“ she stammered.

One of them replied, “No ma‘am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn‘t make mistakes.“

Source: Ethnic Jokes

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn‘t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, “we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long“.

Knock Knock
Who‘s there ?
Zena !
Zena who ?
Zena stealing my books!

Source: Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock
Who‘s there?
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!

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