Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Football Jokes

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.“ She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: “ I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.“
Teacher: “That‘s a good story, now what is the moral?“
Suzie: “ Don‘t count your chickens before they are hatched.“
Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?“
Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.“
Teacher: “That‘s a nice story, what is the moral?“
Ralphie: “Don‘t put all your eggs in one basket.“
Teacher: “ Very good Ralphie, anyone else?“
Little Johnny: “ Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.“
Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?“
Little Johnny: “Don‘t fool with Aunt Karen when she‘s drunk.“

Source: Teacher Jokes

Rag and Bone Man
Skeleton working in a clothes shop

A toasted teacake made from old clothes

Bow tie for a raindrop

A very old and very anxious grape

Explorer who invented the bicycle

A four minute miler

Very rude fruit

A nudist‘s clothes

An alarm clock for girls

Putting another worm onto the hook

Going back to take a second look

A chinaman going on his second cruise

Send coded signal again

A Chinaman returning to China

The second party you‘ve been to this week

Looking for something twice

Reverse Charge
Telephone to stop herd of Rhinos squashing you

Bloodshot celery

The first one in the bath

Road Hog
Pig driving badly

Ants in Rome

An author‘s pen name, as in ‘Samuel Clemens rotunda the name Mark Twain‘

Rubber Band
See String quartet

Rubber Gloves
Things you put on when you want to wash your hands without getting them wet

Feeling tough when you‘re sitting on the carpet

Runner beans
Special food for atheletes

Rush Hour
When bullrushes go home from work

Woman in a tissue paper dress

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replied, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What‘s yours?“ He coolly replied, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.“

Source: Polish Jokes

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,
when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal
may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn‘t mind stepping
out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy
steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, “Is it
To which the Polish guy responds, “Yes, it‘s working....No,
it‘s not working....Yes, it‘s working....No, it‘s not working....“

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

Q:What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch?
A: The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.

Source: Brunette Jokes

One day, a brunette, blonde, and a red head decided to have a breast stroke swim race. They had the race, and the blonde finished first, the red head finished 2nd and after 2 hours, the brunettte crossed the finished line and started complaining the minute she got out of the pool. She said to the referee,“HEY!! THEY ALL CHEATED! I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAST STROKE!

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. “What are you doing?” Johnny asks. “Uh, well, we’re dancing.” replies his mother. “What’s daddy doing?” “He’s my partner, now run along.” A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. “What are you doing?” “Ummm, dancing.” “What’s your boyfriend doing?” “He’s my partner, now get out of here!” Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny’s relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. “What are you doing?” Johnny once again asks. “Why I’m dancing.” said his grandfather. “Well, where is your partner?” His grandfather replied, “When you’ve danced as long as I have, you don’t need a partner.”

Source: Little Johnny Jokes

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, “Can you name the Great Lakes?“
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, “I don‘t need to. They‘ve already been named.“

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, “ Are you relaxing“ Sardar answered ‘“ No I am Banta Singh“ Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered “ No No Me Banta Singh“ Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him “ Are you Relaxing?“ The other Sardar was much educated and answered “Yes I am relaxing “ Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, “Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.“

Source: Sardar Jokes

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes.“What is the matter today? asked her husband. “Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone.“ “I got a wrong number,“ replied Mrs. Banta Singh.

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