Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Source: One Liner Jokes

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A. They don’t have time.

From now on, it’ll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for!

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn’t it?

Source: Stupid Jokes

The teacher asked Gupta, “If you had seven cookies and Sanjay asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?“ Gupta immediately answered, “Seven!“

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

‘My son was born on St George‘s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.‘

‘That‘s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘My daughter was born on Valentine‘s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.‘

‘That‘s really incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.‘

Source: Irish Jokes

An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. ‘I wonder,‘ he said, ‘could you enlarge this for me?‘ ‘Yes, certainly,‘ the chemist replied. ‘And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?‘ ‘Well, I‘m sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.‘ ‘Oh, that‘s fine.‘ ‘Tell me,‘ said the chemist, ‘which side does your son part his hair?‘ The Irishman smiled. ‘Oh, come on now. You‘ll see that when you take his hat off.‘

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

“Oh, that‘s nice“ says Momma. “And what is this girls name?“

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

“That‘s nice, honey“ says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his “new“ Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him “Swift Flying Arrow“.

“OK, honey, whatever you wish“ says Momma.

Then the son says, “You should get a Native American name too, Momma“.

“I‘ve already got one,“ replies Momma. “It‘s Big Sitting Shiva“.

Source: Jewish Jokes

A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?“

The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.“
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

The goy asks “how much herring do you have?“ and the Jew answers “a dozen pieces“.
“And how much do you want for a piece?“

“20 kopecks“ (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.

“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks“.

To this the Jew responds “see... your getting smarter already.“

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn‘t wait to get her driver‘s liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, “Sure honey, but you‘ll have to give me a blow-job first.“

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said “Dad your dick tastes like shit“

Oh yea, her father replied, “I forgot, your brother‘s got the car tonight.“

Source: Sick Jokes

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe‘s combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

‘Well,‘ says one robber to another, ‘at least we get a bit to eat.‘

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, ‘Australia‘s largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.‘

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