Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Clean Jokes

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,“ she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?“ Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.“

Source: Christian Jokes

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,“ and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn‘t move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

“What did you say to him that kept him from moving?“ they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman‘s quoting scripture scare you so much?“ they asked.

“Scripture?“ said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38‘s!

You are so fat NASA orbits satellites around you.

Source: Fat Jokes

A thickset guy is reading the newspaper, when he sees a weight-loss advert that claims to shed “a pound per $10, just call (202) 555-4874“. He figures he‘ll give it go.

The operator asks: “how much would you like to lose?“
“ten pounds“, the man replies.
“a representative will be there next morning“, says the operator.

Sure enough, the next morning at 7AM, there‘s a ring at the doorbell. The man opens the door, to find a reasonably good-looking girl, stark-naked, save the sign around her neck, reading “If you catch me, you can have me.“

The fat guy chases her all over the house until he catches her and, sure enough, has his way with her. Dragging himself puffing and wheezing to the bathroom scales, he‘s overjoyed to find that he‘s dropped 10 pounds!

“This is awesome“, he thinks to himself. “I‘ll give them another call!“
The same night he gives them a call and says he‘d like to lose 20 pounds.

“we‘ll send another representative“, the operator says.

The next morning, at 7AM, the man answers the door to find an achingly good-looking girl, naked except for a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck stating “If you catch me, you can have me.“

The man eagerly chases the girl. It takes him a good deal longer to catch her this time, and after they have sex, he consults the scales. And sure enough, he‘s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls once more, and exclaims “I want to lose 50 pounds!“
“50? isn‘t that a bit excessive?“, the operator inquires.
“look, I‘m a paying customer, just do it“, the man responds impatiently.
“you‘ll meet the representative next morning.“

The next morning the man can hardly contain himself, as he opens the door at 7AM...

To find a huge - we‘re talking King Kong - gorilla, fuming and grunting, with a sign around its neck..

“if I catch you...“

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,“ she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.“

“What‘s the curse?“ the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.“

Source: Wedding Jokes

Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?“ The third man turned to the first two and said, “Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!“

The two men were dumbfounded. “Wow that‘s incredible! What happened next?“ they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, “Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!“

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?“ The German responds, “I will take oil!“ So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?“ “I will take nothing!“ says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?“ the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I‘ll take the Mexican.“

Source: Mexican Jokes

What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And A Dumb Blonde?
A Kid Who Spraypaints His Name On A Chain Link Fence.

Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Source: Yo Mama Jokes

Your mom is so dumb she passed out trying to blow up a firecracker, she thought the fuse was a straw.

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