Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Ethnic Jokes

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn‘t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Source: Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn‘t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show Law & Order claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student‘s immediate family.

A ‘smart‘ student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?“

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,“ he responded, “I guess you‘ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.“

Source: Jokes Stories

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn‘t notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it‘s head to see were his tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.


A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they‘re really impressed. After the game they ask her “how is it that you know so much about baseball?“

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.“ The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. “What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?“

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.“

“Was it when they cut off your balls?“

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.“

“What was the most painful part?“

“The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!“

Source: Tasteless Jokes

A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, “Water!“
The bartender looks at him and says, “Got any money?“
The guy shakes his head no and again says, “Water!“
The bartender says, “No money, no water.“
The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, “Guess I‘ll have to drink this.“
The bartender replies, “Be my guest, no money, no water.“
Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, “Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding.“
The man responds, “I couldn‘t stop.“
“Why not?“ the bartender asks.
The guy replies, “Cos it was all one long string!“

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they‘ll be there in 20 minutes. It‘s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren‘t you also going to have a drink?“ the doctor says.
“After the police get here.“ replies the lawyer.

Source: Lawyer Jokes

There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. - Robert Smith Surtees
Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner
In almost every case, you have to read between the lies. - Angie Papadakis
A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. - Lord Brougham
A man is innocent until proven broke. - Anonymous

At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.

Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?“

Clinton (visibly upset): “You leave Hillary out of this!“

Source: Political Jokes

Why is it I feel that, if I talk abotu Brack Obama, I’m gonna get slammed with comments and hatemail for being a racist or something along those lines? You know how hard it is to make a joke about a black person? Very hard. I can trash white folks, blondes, Jews, rednecks, doctors and lawyers - hell pretty much anyone I want so long as they’re not “African American.” W-T-F.

At anyrate, I’m immune. How so? Well these aren’t MY jokes - F&J is gonna let others do the talking for us. All the glory of coming up with something witty without any of that nasty email stuff. Sweet. Enjoy.

Ann Coulter - “I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He’s half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat.”

Jay Leno - “Do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry.”

Jay Leno - “Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.”

Bill Maher - “Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama’s great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won’t be Irish enough for people.”

Conan O’Brien - “The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he’s planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with Barack Obama.”

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