Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funny Irish Jokes

Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

Source: Black Jokes

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: “What did you do at recess?“

Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.“

Teacher says, “That‘s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand‘ correctly, I‘ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.“

She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.“

Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box‘ correctly on the blackboard, I‘ll give you a fresh baked cookie.“

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.“

Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination‘ I‘ll give you a cookie.“

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, “Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.“

The man replied, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you‘ll see.“

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, “Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.“ The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

“Wow! That‘s one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?“ asked the bartender.

The man replied, “I don‘t know. I‘ve only had him for seven years.“

Source: Football Jokes

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.“

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn‘t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What‘s the answer to the last question?“ Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn‘t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you‘re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.“

“Oh yeah,“ said Bubba. “I remember now.“ He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny‘s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?“

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That‘s so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O.“.

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.‘

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

‘What‘s the matter, Al?‘ I asked.

‘Ummmm, ‘replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.‘

Source: Christmas Jokes

Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness“!

A girl selling sandwiches on the beach, asks a Santa : ‘Santaji SANDWICH LO GE?‘

Santa replied: ‘Sand wich kyoon? Asi te room wich lewaange!‘

Source: Santa Banta Jokes

Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed, “I heard you are dead.“

But you see I‘m alive, smiled the friend.

Impossible, said Santa Singh. The man who told me is much more reliable than you.

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!“
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
“Yum! I smell honey!“
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can‘t because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says,
“All I can smell is molasses.

Source: Animal Jokes

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who‘s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger‘s neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you‘re sure you‘ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger‘s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn‘t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you‘re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don‘t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn‘t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

Funny Hindi Jokes

A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine.
It‘s encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical moveable supports, one on each corner.
The front end contains: the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as, light sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog horn.
The rear end contains: the dispensing apparatus and automatic fly swatter.
The central section houses a hydro-chemical conversion plant. This consists of four fermentation and storage tanks, an integrated network, which is connected to the rear-dispensing unit.
In brief the extremely visible features are:
2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers, 4 hanger-downers and a swissy-wissy.

Source: Military Jokes

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I‘m here.“

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I‘m here.“

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but...“

“Let me guess,“ the General interrupted, “it broke down.“

“No,“ said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.“

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

Source: Thanksgiving Jokes

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.

‘And have you learned your lesson about cussing?‘ Martha asked the parrot.

Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: ‘I sure have. But I have one I have a question, “What did the turkey do?“ ‘

Why did helen keller go crazy?
She was trying to read a stucco wall.

Source: Helen Keller Jokes

What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game?
Musical Chairs

Boy to girl at a dance party: “Kya tum mere sath dance karogi?”

Girl reply: “Main bacche ke saath dance nahi karti.”

Boy: Sorry mujhe pata nahi tha ki tum pregnent ho.

Source: Hindi Jokes

Saheli dosri se tmhara zyada khayal kon krta he?
Mera pati.
Or sabse acha kon lagta ha?
Tera pati
Hmari aadatein kitni milt he

Before a party, set up a video camera in the bathroom and take about fifteen minutes of just the empty bathroom (toilet in plain view). When it’s time for the appropriate guest to relieve themselves, gather the rest of the guests and sit them down in front of the television with the video tape playing. When the guest leaves the bathroom and finds everyone sitting around laughing at the television showing the room that the guest was just occupying, horror and hilarity will ensue.

Source: Practical Jokes

Have a friend distract someone who has just opened a bottle of coke (I imagine it might work with other pop as well, but am not sure) While the “mark“ is not looking, drop a couple of M&M‘s into the open bottle. Let the person get back to their drink. In short order, the cola will start to foam...and foam and foam and foam.

Funny Helen Keller Jokes

Why don‘t sharks eat niggers?
They think it‘s whale shit.

Source: Racist Jokes

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A map!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.“

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda.“

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?“

“Yes,“ said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.“

“My God,“ said Joe, “I‘d better have two scotch and sodas. I don‘t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.“

“That‘s another thing,“ said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cockpit.“

Source: Women Jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What‘s wrong with you?“ she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?“ he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.“

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember. So?“

“I would have gotten out today.“

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller
demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps
being paged by “Lucille.“

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don‘t never leave no number, so I can‘t call her back,“ he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn‘t leave a number.

“She leaves her name,“ was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

“How does she spell her name?“ the service rep asked.

“L-O-W C-E-L-L“

Another technical problem solved.

Source: Phone Jokes

What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A big phone-y!

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don‘t send any Jews. Please, no Jews,“

The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma‘am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.“

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But... But... There must be some mistake,“ she stammered.

One of them replied, “No ma‘am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn‘t make mistakes.“

Source: Ethnic Jokes

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn‘t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, “we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long“.

Knock Knock
Who‘s there ?
Zena !
Zena who ?
Zena stealing my books!

Source: Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock
Who‘s there?
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!

Funny Football Jokes

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.“ She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: “ I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.“
Teacher: “That‘s a good story, now what is the moral?“
Suzie: “ Don‘t count your chickens before they are hatched.“
Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?“
Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.“
Teacher: “That‘s a nice story, what is the moral?“
Ralphie: “Don‘t put all your eggs in one basket.“
Teacher: “ Very good Ralphie, anyone else?“
Little Johnny: “ Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.“
Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?“
Little Johnny: “Don‘t fool with Aunt Karen when she‘s drunk.“

Source: Teacher Jokes

Rag and Bone Man
Skeleton working in a clothes shop

A toasted teacake made from old clothes

Bow tie for a raindrop

A very old and very anxious grape

Explorer who invented the bicycle

A four minute miler

Very rude fruit

A nudist‘s clothes

An alarm clock for girls

Putting another worm onto the hook

Going back to take a second look

A chinaman going on his second cruise

Send coded signal again

A Chinaman returning to China

The second party you‘ve been to this week

Looking for something twice

Reverse Charge
Telephone to stop herd of Rhinos squashing you

Bloodshot celery

The first one in the bath

Road Hog
Pig driving badly

Ants in Rome

An author‘s pen name, as in ‘Samuel Clemens rotunda the name Mark Twain‘

Rubber Band
See String quartet

Rubber Gloves
Things you put on when you want to wash your hands without getting them wet

Feeling tough when you‘re sitting on the carpet

Runner beans
Special food for atheletes

Rush Hour
When bullrushes go home from work

Woman in a tissue paper dress

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replied, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What‘s yours?“ He coolly replied, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.“

Source: Polish Jokes

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,
when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal
may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn‘t mind stepping
out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy
steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, “Is it
To which the Polish guy responds, “Yes, it‘s working....No,
it‘s not working....Yes, it‘s working....No, it‘s not working....“

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

Q:What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch?
A: The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.

Source: Brunette Jokes

One day, a brunette, blonde, and a red head decided to have a breast stroke swim race. They had the race, and the blonde finished first, the red head finished 2nd and after 2 hours, the brunettte crossed the finished line and started complaining the minute she got out of the pool. She said to the referee,“HEY!! THEY ALL CHEATED! I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAST STROKE!

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. “What are you doing?” Johnny asks. “Uh, well, we’re dancing.” replies his mother. “What’s daddy doing?” “He’s my partner, now run along.” A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. “What are you doing?” “Ummm, dancing.” “What’s your boyfriend doing?” “He’s my partner, now get out of here!” Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny’s relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. “What are you doing?” Johnny once again asks. “Why I’m dancing.” said his grandfather. “Well, where is your partner?” His grandfather replied, “When you’ve danced as long as I have, you don’t need a partner.”

Source: Little Johnny Jokes

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, “Can you name the Great Lakes?“
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, “I don‘t need to. They‘ve already been named.“

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, “ Are you relaxing“ Sardar answered ‘“ No I am Banta Singh“ Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered “ No No Me Banta Singh“ Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him “ Are you Relaxing?“ The other Sardar was much educated and answered “Yes I am relaxing “ Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, “Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.“

Source: Sardar Jokes

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes.“What is the matter today? asked her husband. “Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone.“ “I got a wrong number,“ replied Mrs. Banta Singh.

Funny Fat Jokes

Marketting strategies explained more!!

1. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:”By the way, I’m rich. Will you
“Marry Me?” - That’s Public Relations… “

2. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:”You are very rich!
“Can you marry ! me?” - That’s Brand Recognition. ..”

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - “That’s Customer Feedback…”

4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. - “That’s demand and supply gap…”

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she
goes with him - “That’s competition eating into your market share…”

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your
wife arrives. - “That’s restriction for entering new markets…”

Source: Office Jokes

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.“

The American then asked, “Why didn‘t you stay out longer and catch more fish?“

The Mexican said, “With this I have more than enough to support my family‘s needs.“

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?“

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.“

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.“

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?“

To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.“

“But what then?“ asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that‘s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.“

“Millions?...Then what?“

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.“

Willy‘s rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he‘s driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he‘s doing.

Willy replies, “I‘m going to Chicago for the weekend.“

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob‘s room to check on him. He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,“I‘m screwing Willy‘s old lady while he‘s away in Chicago.“

Source: Retirement Jokes

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife “Mother of Six,“ in spite of her objections.

One night in their retirement years they go to a party. The man is ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?“ His wife, irritated by her husband‘s lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, “Anytime you‘re ready, Father of Four!“

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, ‘I think I‘ve lost an electron.‘
The other says ‘Are you sure?‘
The first says, ‘Yes, I‘m positive.‘

Source: Bar Jokes

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn‘t dance a single step!“

“So?“ asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?“

There was a Mississippi redneck and a Louisiana Cajun, fishing on their respective sides of the Mississippi river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the Cajun was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, “Buddy, I‘d sure like to be on your side of the river!“

“Aight, tell ya whut, I‘ll shine my flashlight ‘cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!“ the redneck yelled back.

The Cajun replied, “Hain‘t no way, buddy. I know you think I‘m a fool! When I get halfway ‘cross, you‘ll turn your flashlight off!“

Source: Redneck Jokes

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team“ truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren‘t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you‘d do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

“I know, I know, I know the first thing I‘d do“. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you‘d do?“ Luke says, “I‘d wake Zek up.“ The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?“

Coos, says Luke, “He ain‘t never seen no big accident before!“

After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts:
“THAT’S ONE!!“. Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts:
“THAT’S TWO!!“ then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts:
“THAT’S THREE!!!“ and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he’s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says “That was a bit harsh wasn’t it !!!“. Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts:

Source: Sexist Jokes

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter‘s gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, “The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde“. The blonde says, “I don‘t want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms.“

Funny Ethnic Jokes

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn‘t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Source: Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn‘t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show Law & Order claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student‘s immediate family.

A ‘smart‘ student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?“

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,“ he responded, “I guess you‘ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.“

Source: Jokes Stories

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, so he went to the bar down town on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks he doesn‘t notice a train as it is coming his way. The cat starts to cross the track and the train is right on him. Just as he crosses, the train goes on by, but the cat was not all the way over and the train ran over the his tail, the cat turns it‘s head to see were his tail is and the train cuts his head clean off.


A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they‘re really impressed. After the game they ask her “how is it that you know so much about baseball?“

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.“ The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. “What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?“

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.“

“Was it when they cut off your balls?“

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.“

“What was the most painful part?“

“The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!“

Source: Tasteless Jokes

A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, “Water!“
The bartender looks at him and says, “Got any money?“
The guy shakes his head no and again says, “Water!“
The bartender says, “No money, no water.“
The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, “Guess I‘ll have to drink this.“
The bartender replies, “Be my guest, no money, no water.“
Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, “Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding.“
The man responds, “I couldn‘t stop.“
“Why not?“ the bartender asks.
The guy replies, “Cos it was all one long string!“

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they‘ll be there in 20 minutes. It‘s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren‘t you also going to have a drink?“ the doctor says.
“After the police get here.“ replies the lawyer.

Source: Lawyer Jokes

There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. - Robert Smith Surtees
Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner
In almost every case, you have to read between the lies. - Angie Papadakis
A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. - Lord Brougham
A man is innocent until proven broke. - Anonymous

At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.

Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?“

Clinton (visibly upset): “You leave Hillary out of this!“

Source: Political Jokes

Why is it I feel that, if I talk abotu Brack Obama, I’m gonna get slammed with comments and hatemail for being a racist or something along those lines? You know how hard it is to make a joke about a black person? Very hard. I can trash white folks, blondes, Jews, rednecks, doctors and lawyers - hell pretty much anyone I want so long as they’re not “African American.” W-T-F.

At anyrate, I’m immune. How so? Well these aren’t MY jokes - F&J is gonna let others do the talking for us. All the glory of coming up with something witty without any of that nasty email stuff. Sweet. Enjoy.

Ann Coulter - “I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He’s half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat.”

Jay Leno - “Do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry.”

Jay Leno - “Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.”

Bill Maher - “Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama’s great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won’t be Irish enough for people.”

Conan O’Brien - “The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he’s planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with Barack Obama.”

Funny Clean Jokes

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,“ she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?“ Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.“

Source: Christian Jokes

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,“ and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn‘t move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

“What did you say to him that kept him from moving?“ they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman‘s quoting scripture scare you so much?“ they asked.

“Scripture?“ said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38‘s!

You are so fat NASA orbits satellites around you.

Source: Fat Jokes

A thickset guy is reading the newspaper, when he sees a weight-loss advert that claims to shed “a pound per $10, just call (202) 555-4874“. He figures he‘ll give it go.

The operator asks: “how much would you like to lose?“
“ten pounds“, the man replies.
“a representative will be there next morning“, says the operator.

Sure enough, the next morning at 7AM, there‘s a ring at the doorbell. The man opens the door, to find a reasonably good-looking girl, stark-naked, save the sign around her neck, reading “If you catch me, you can have me.“

The fat guy chases her all over the house until he catches her and, sure enough, has his way with her. Dragging himself puffing and wheezing to the bathroom scales, he‘s overjoyed to find that he‘s dropped 10 pounds!

“This is awesome“, he thinks to himself. “I‘ll give them another call!“
The same night he gives them a call and says he‘d like to lose 20 pounds.

“we‘ll send another representative“, the operator says.

The next morning, at 7AM, the man answers the door to find an achingly good-looking girl, naked except for a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck stating “If you catch me, you can have me.“

The man eagerly chases the girl. It takes him a good deal longer to catch her this time, and after they have sex, he consults the scales. And sure enough, he‘s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls once more, and exclaims “I want to lose 50 pounds!“
“50? isn‘t that a bit excessive?“, the operator inquires.
“look, I‘m a paying customer, just do it“, the man responds impatiently.
“you‘ll meet the representative next morning.“

The next morning the man can hardly contain himself, as he opens the door at 7AM...

To find a huge - we‘re talking King Kong - gorilla, fuming and grunting, with a sign around its neck..

“if I catch you...“

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,“ she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.“

“What‘s the curse?“ the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.“

Source: Wedding Jokes

Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?“ The third man turned to the first two and said, “Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!“

The two men were dumbfounded. “Wow that‘s incredible! What happened next?“ they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, “Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!“

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?“ The German responds, “I will take oil!“ So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?“ “I will take nothing!“ says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?“ the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I‘ll take the Mexican.“

Source: Mexican Jokes

What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And A Dumb Blonde?
A Kid Who Spraypaints His Name On A Chain Link Fence.

Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Source: Yo Mama Jokes

Your mom is so dumb she passed out trying to blow up a firecracker, she thought the fuse was a straw.

Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Source: One Liner Jokes

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A. They don’t have time.

From now on, it’ll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for!

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn’t it?

Source: Stupid Jokes

The teacher asked Gupta, “If you had seven cookies and Sanjay asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?“ Gupta immediately answered, “Seven!“

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

‘My son was born on St George‘s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.‘

‘That‘s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘My daughter was born on Valentine‘s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.‘

‘That‘s really incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.‘

Source: Irish Jokes

An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. ‘I wonder,‘ he said, ‘could you enlarge this for me?‘ ‘Yes, certainly,‘ the chemist replied. ‘And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?‘ ‘Well, I‘m sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.‘ ‘Oh, that‘s fine.‘ ‘Tell me,‘ said the chemist, ‘which side does your son part his hair?‘ The Irishman smiled. ‘Oh, come on now. You‘ll see that when you take his hat off.‘

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

“Oh, that‘s nice“ says Momma. “And what is this girls name?“

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

“That‘s nice, honey“ says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his “new“ Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him “Swift Flying Arrow“.

“OK, honey, whatever you wish“ says Momma.

Then the son says, “You should get a Native American name too, Momma“.

“I‘ve already got one,“ replies Momma. “It‘s Big Sitting Shiva“.

Source: Jewish Jokes

A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?“

The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.“
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

The goy asks “how much herring do you have?“ and the Jew answers “a dozen pieces“.
“And how much do you want for a piece?“

“20 kopecks“ (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.

“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks“.

To this the Jew responds “see... your getting smarter already.“

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn‘t wait to get her driver‘s liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, “Sure honey, but you‘ll have to give me a blow-job first.“

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said “Dad your dick tastes like shit“

Oh yea, her father replied, “I forgot, your brother‘s got the car tonight.“

Source: Sick Jokes

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe‘s combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

‘Well,‘ says one robber to another, ‘at least we get a bit to eat.‘

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, ‘Australia‘s largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.‘

Funny Christmas Jokes

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Source: Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?“

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Source: Short Jokes

I went into McDonalds yesterday and said “I‘d like some fries“.
The girl at the counter said “Would you like some fries with that“.

The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.

Source: Clean Jokes

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate. Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers. Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each. Diners who don‘t want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said. Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What‘s the matter?‘ she asked. ‘It‘s my birthday!‘ he hollered. ‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there‘s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .‘ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. ‘But that‘s lovely,‘ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?‘ ‘Because I‘m lost!‘

Source: Birthday Jokes

A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, “Hello.“ “Are you the game warden?“ she asked.


“Finally Ah‘ve got the right person!“ she said. “Could yaw‘l gimme some help with my son‘s birthday party?“

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?“
She replied, “Im having a baby.“

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?“
She said, “He sure is.“

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?“
She said, “Oh, yes. It‘s a real good baby.“

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
“Then why did you eat him?“

Source: Kids Jokes

A little boy was in a relative‘s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride‘s side and groom‘s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was just being the Ring Bear!“